didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.