I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I came this close!!!!
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time