if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese