Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
fourth time’s the charm
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed