Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
starting a garage orchestra
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
fired
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it