Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors