“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
that de-escalated quickly
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.