ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
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Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
sistine chapel
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I am never leaving this website
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Bit chilly again tonight.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up