*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.