Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
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My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.