Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing