Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Noah
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
got so much cardio in today
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!