Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
You Might Also Like
Wikigenius
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing