Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery