APOLOGISE NOW!!!
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire