Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.