[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
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A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I gave up going to work for lent.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.