A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
You Might Also Like
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
There’s always that one guy
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95