I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
accurate
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.