DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this