Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
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No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Social distancing in Australia:
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.