WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet