me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
my one true gender
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
How it started How it’s going
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.