Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
*bites zombie*
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce