Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly