The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
At an art museum and I thought this was art
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.