one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
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Haha! 😂
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
mumsnet is amazing
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!