I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
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the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow