ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.