2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon