After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Breaking news:
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I was bored.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.