Saw your ex at the shops
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Yup.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t