You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff