HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
describing stardew valley
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
anyone else like Italian cereal
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back