Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
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me at a party:
*eats*
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*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
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*repeat for duration of party*
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*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
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*go back once more*
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”