accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
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People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”