I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
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someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
This meal prepping shit easy
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.