Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
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What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”