Who’s drunk
*raises leg
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cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.