[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
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I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Twitter is an abusement park.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
How to draw a duck
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.