Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!