(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
You Might Also Like
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Wait for it
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.