(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim