“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
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If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.