The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.