You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.