In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]