What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: