She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
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Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva