If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.